I haven't been myself these past few days. My - I haven't been myself these past few months. And I think it was just last weekend when the much 'awaited breakdown' happened. It was like a stored body of energy that needs to be released - well, blown out of proportion I think - but we all need that once in a while. I guess.
I have known for a fact that I'm not the type who's giddy about changes. They scare the hell out of me. Just imagine, one night of change in my sleeping pattern, I'll pay for it for one whole month.I'd be restless, irritable and sleepy all the time (not that I'm not always sleepy). I'm too scared of changes - they make me insecure, intimidate me, freaks me out - I'm not just adventurous. And by adventurous I mean a person who is always too excited and always looks out for changes, for new things. I think the only 'new' I like are 'new' gadgets, and that's it.
So like 1 hour ago before I started typing here - I was ready to lay out the 'cause' of my recent breakdown. Imagine - throwing plastic mineral bottles at my husband while he was sleeping, shutting the bedroom door like my 2 yo boy when he's having tantrums, and yes, crying out loud just because I think it's dramatic that way, and then realizing Blair Waldorf would never do that to herself (and it's one of the major causes of eye bags) - so I just cry myself out to sleep, just because I think that's more drama queen. But then again, I changed my mind. Well, for one my hubby just walked past behind me and asked me why am I still awake at this ungodly hour. For crying out loud - "You asked me to work in a call center, natural mag iiba tulog ko, tapos tatanungin mo ko kung bakit gising pa ako?". Thank God I just kept those in my thoughts or else it would start another fight, yet again. Like this morning when I told him I want an annulment (I know right?!) and I started crying again and he just started rubbing my back and yes you guessed it right - we had one of the best make up... make up conversations ever!!! Hahaha!
Ok. So I don't really know if it's just PMS or what - but I'm really glad I finally had the courage to vent it all out - somehow. Being someone who doesn't really have someone to talk to - or doesn't really want to talk about it, really. It's nice to have a breakdown - once in a while. But next time I'll try to be more calm.
And I'd just like to share this 'Prayer of Forgiveness' I saw online. I'm not saying I'm into this right away. But I'd be contemplating. I will be seriously reading this and think about it, for real. As to when I will practice it - I still dont know. It takes time. But reading this - it's a start :)
Prayer of Forgiveness
by Paulo Coelho
Hilal searches for inspiration on the golden walls, the columns, the people coming at this hour of the morning, the flames of the lit candles.
- I forgive the girl I was, not because I want to become a saint but because I do not want to endure this hatred. This tiresome hatred.
This was not what I expected.
- You may not forgive everyone and everything, but forgive me.
- I forgive everything and everyone. I forgive you because I love you and you do not love me. I forgive you because you reject me and I am losing my power.
She closes her eyes and raises her hands towards the ceiling.
- I am liberated from hatred by means of forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, helps me to advance towards glory.
Hilal speaks softly but the acoustics of the church are so perfect that everything she says seems to echo throughout the four corners. But my experience tells me that she is channelling the spirit of a child.
The tears I shed, I forgive.
The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.
The betrayals and lies, I forgive.
The slandering and scheming, I forgive.
The hatred and persecution, I forgive.
The punches that were given, I forgive.
The shattered dreams, I forgive.
The dead hopes, I forgive.
The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.
The indifference and ill will, I forgive.
The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.
The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.
The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.
The world with all its evil, I forgive.
She lowers her arms, opens her eyes and places her hands on her face.
I move closer to kiss her, but she makes a signal with her hands.
- I have not finished yet.
She closes her eyes and looks up.
Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.
Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.
Pain I replace with oblivion.
Revenge, I replace with victory.
I will be able to love above all discontentment.
To give even when I am stripped of everything.
To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.
To dry tears even when I am still crying.
To believe even when I am discredited.
She opens her eyes, puts her hands on my head and says with an authority that comes from above:
- Thy will be done. Thy will be done.
I've read somewhere that true forgiveness means forgiving someone, even if that someone didn't even asked for forgiveness. I'd tell you this: I'm not that kind of person. I may forgive you, but I won't forget what you did. Ever. I have a very photographic, otographic (whatever you call it, I meant to say - I can remember what you said and how you said things!) memory. But I'm willing to take baby steps. Yes, baby steps.