INSECURiTY KiLLS - Not!

We often associate the word INSECURiTY to the way people 'act' especially when we never really liked them. True! That is when, it kills. True  again! - I say, it's one perfect word to describe ourselves.  

How many of us have read magazines, artista's on TV saying, or even psychologists who say - "You just have to over come your insecurities. Think tall. be confident." I mean, WhoTheHell does that in real world?  Easier said than done right? I think, the most important thing here, which is also the hardest part, is admitting to yourself that you have insecurities. Just think, who doesn't? I bet my bottom dollar, Angelina Jolie has some, too. 

Me? I have been insecure for as long as I can remember. I've been trying so hard all my life to 'fit' the expectations of family, relatives and people around me. I die inside whenever I hear even 'constructive criticisms'. Every 'negative comment' thrown at me was always offensive. I just hide it at the moment but truth be told, I was already raging inside. I was trying so hard to be 'perfect' just so I can please everybody. That was what I was born to do, or so I thought. It killed me and already, I died a thousand deaths.

Accepting my own insecurities was a long, tedious process. And up until this very moment, no one would know if I'll develop another 'insecurity' today, tomorrow, or maybe later. I tell you, because I know this is true - we will never run out of insecurities as long as there are people out there who's primary goal in life is to make other people's lives miserable, those who reject to see the good in other people. As long as there are people who lacks a sense of security in themselves, we can never ever be free.

Embracing my insecurities is another thing. I've realized that it was only hard for me to accept it because 1. It hurts to hear it from other people and 2. I let them affect -worst- destroy me. These two reasons deserves another blog entry so i won't go into that fully but let me just say that - I've been putting myself down ever since  - even when 'some' people look up to me I think and because that's what they say so (I never claimed it and I never will) - and I guess it's a habit that's hard to let go of especially because it's hard not to be affected by what other people has to say about you. 

Reality bites: When I look at the mirror now, I DO NOT LIKE what I see. Not at all. My love handles, the 'lawlaw' fats from my arms, the MANY 'mommy marks' I got from my pregnancy, the slit on my tummy that now looks like a big 'pwet' sans the anal opening, the eye bags that can carry a load of our clothes LITERALLY, fine lines, wrinkles that started to show, dark pigmentations, wounds and scars from playing with the kids, frizzy hair - these are just some of the 'reasons' that makes me lose a sense of security in myself. And no one pointed them out for me - of course because no one else saw me nakidd duh! - it was all me. I started telling myself why go against the changes with my body when i can just go with the flow, love my new found curves and work it, right?! And if there was anything I learned from accepting and admitting my insecurities, it was that I was mostly insecured of the how and who I was before. And you know what they say in showbizzness - "Your greatest competition is yourself." 

Wikipedia simply defined INSECURITY as 'a lack of security in an objective sense'. It's that simple, really. So why fuss about it? I personally think that having insecurities is normal and plainly human. It's what keeps you going and what motivates you to do better. But once you start letting yourself drown in your own 'drama', if you let it affect your morale, self respect and your relationship with family, loved ones and friends - you better start swimming back up to the surface. It's a scary, dark place. Do not let it consume you. I've always thought that a certain amount of insecurity is healthy, but there's also a phrase that says 'too much.'

   When I look at the mirror now, I do not LIKE what I see. But everytime I turn around and see those two beautiful faces staring at me (maybe wondering - what the hell is our momma doing naked in front of the mirror!), that's when I start to LOVE what I see. 

Goodvibes!

xoxo