#BITCHisback

I don't know why I'm writing this, here, again. But I do know why I stopped sharing here years back (gahhh it sound so old). Yeah, my life got pretty fucked up . But don't worry, I'm not gonna give you the full details, it's just gonna make you vomit. And one post is not enough. Yeah. Hella not enough. Maybe in installment (credit card ang pucha?) or parts that is if I am willing to share it to you or if I have time (as if ang dami ko ginagawa) or yeah, If I'm in the mood. 

Thing is, it's just too long a story to write (or type) at kailangan ko ng special effects para dramatic at magmukhang pang MMK so I would need my full attention. 

But you know, I'm rarely alone. In my solitude (naks!) which means 2-3 in the morning while my kids are still asleep, and I wake up squished in between them or sometimes under them- thats all the time I have for myself. 

Isn't it funny that my last post was about love and that one person that makes me kilig like the fucking teenager that I was 10 years ago? Isn't it funny that all my other posts were about that guy that apparently, I married and bore two kids (twins) with and how I was all about him? Like that Crazy For You Head Over Heels in love kind of thing. Didnt I see this coming? Of course not. I saw the signs- I opened up my eyes I saw the signs (kinanta mo noh?). 

Well, that shit is over. HOLD UP. This is not going to be a bitter post like what it looks like. 

There were red flags. Definitely. Why didnt I say so? Because I didnt want to be judged. Because I was afraid? Because I was ashamed, shy. But mostly because I was too proud. Because I feel like I have to give other people that impression that we are okay, we are good, we are happy. Pinasok ko tong buhay ng pag aasawa at pag aanak ng maaga - PANINDIGAN KO TO. 

I was scared. I was scared to be alone because for the first time in my life- I will have to live without him. That scared me. A lot. My world wasnt built around him- he was my world. Well, until my kids came. But still, madami akong bagay na hindi kayang gawin na wala siya. Natakot akong mag isa kasi hindi pa ako nag isa sa buhay ko. This was my first heartbreak. And it's true. Heartbreaks are tough. Alam ko na ang pakiramdam ni Popoy nung iniwan siya ni Basha. 

So its funny. I find it funny. How in a span of three years life would turn around unexpectedly. I was so in love then, and now I was betrayed, cheated on, lied to - OOOPS bitterness loading- must stop now. 

Nakakatawa naman talaga. Its like life played a joke on me. Dati I was all about him. Now, its gone. Anger, hatred, bitterness. Thats all I have for him now. Masisisi mo ba ko? But I chose to be civil. I maintained this unconvential relationship with him because he is, after all, the father of my children.

Dont judge me. Judge me, rather. Judge me all you want. (Sometimes i forget na wala na akong pakialam sa iisipin ng ibang tao kasi) but if you have kids- if you have beautiful, wonderful kids like mine that you love so much, you will understand. And they will alwaya come first. Kahit nasasaktan na ako. Kahit ayaw ko na. Kahit hindi na ako masaya. Kahit na malungkot na malungkot na ang buhay ko. Kahit na miserable na ako. May dahilan. May dahilan lahat ng to. At yun ay ang mga anak ko. 

See? That wasnt so hard right? Maybe thats the reason why I activated this again. I dont have to filter my words. Pucha naman, blog ko to noh! Hindi nyo na siguro ako pagbabawalan magsalita ng gusto ko kase nakakahiya? HAHAHA. Besides, I'm just being honest here. 

Btw, yes I do curse now. I curse a lot specially when I'm mad. I hope you had fun reading!