My Friends are Crazy and I Love them!

I've always had issues with trust. It comes with the friendship thing so yes, I also have issues with friendship. Ever since I was a child, I don't know if it was just me - well, maybe sometimes I like putting other meaning to what people say or act in front of me, most especially 'behind' me - but my playmates always make me feel out of place. I had this feeling that in every peer group I am in, I am always left out. Maybe it's because of pressure, maybe it's because of the impression I have on people, maybe it's because most people expect much from me, I really can't tell. So yes, I have had issues with trusting people, and choosing my friends. 

The first time I ever tried out a 'barkada', it didn't turned out so well. I felt - no, I actually was - bullied. I cried everyday, been teased everyday - I cried every single, God-given day but I never told my parents about it. It was prolly the worst case of bullying, but I never said a thing. I was bullied by the people I call friends, I don't know how I managed the situation but as a kid I felt the need to belong to a group. That was the first time I asked myself, "Why is it so hard to be me?". Everything I did was wrong or taken wrongly, I didn't know how to act or behave.  On my second try, I was better at it. I thought, this is where I belong. But things just fell apart. That was the first time I exerted effort, emotions, time - but maybe it just wasn't for us. I was hurt. For a long time, I tried to rekindle the friendship, but to no avail. I felt left out again. Now, I am friends with all those people, and even though it brought about a kind of negative effect on my personality, these people helped  shaped me as to what I am today. I can definitely say, no grudges. I am now stronger. I learned how to always put a brave face despite and inspite anything. But at the same time, I built a wall around me, so no one can ever hurt me again. And I liked that wall. It made me feel safe, untouchable.

Miles, me, Jerry, Joanna, Meggie, Anging (Dex is not in the pic)

And then there were 6 people who changed my view about trusting people and friends. They taught me to be vulnerable again, in a good way. During the last 2 years of high school, they were my constant companion, we ride the same tricycle home, watch movies including some porn after prelims and finals, talk over the phone after school, shared rooms during our retreat, ate lunch together - we practically did everything together, all 7 of us. It started to become official when I became the other M in JAME. I was hesitant at first to let my guard down, because I felt that if I did, I might go through the same painful process, again. So all throughout high school, I never gave them 100% of myself. Until college came.


I missed them. A lot. We were never really the type who texts each other everyday. I can't even remember a time when we went out just to watch a movie or do stuff while we were all in Manila for college. We went on with our lives and busied ourselves with studies and boyfriends and stuff. And I missed them, a lot. I was to blame because I know I distanced myself from them, I always kept a part of me 'hidden'. But that was so 2008. 


Sure, we don't call or text each other that much, (we tweet now!) but with just one text that says 'EMERGENCY', anyone available will come, from Tanay to Katipunan, without even a single penny in our pockets. And I love that about my friends. They never made me feel alone. I love that you know there are people who'll be at your side whenever and wherever you need them. They've seen me pretty (as always) and ugly (pregnancy related bloated face), thin (like anorexic thin) and thick (when I ballooned to around 160lbs -pregnancy related again) and thin again (slowly getting there). They were the only people who I felt accepted me for who I am - the mataray, masungit, sometimes impulsive, unpredictable, hard to decipher me. 


Sure, we talk a lot. Actually, 'a lot' would be an understatement. We're talkative people. But we always make sense. And I love that even when words don't come out of our Angelina Jolie mouths, we always, always, understand each other. We know what the other is thinking. Yeah, that's how amazing my friends are. We share our 'opinions' about other people -who doesn't?!-  and we talk about ourselves too. We can jump from one topic to another without even batting an eyelash.


Sure, we think high of ourselves. But that's probably because we know what we're worth, and we never settle for anything less. But don't get me wrong, we are not boastful people. We just know what we deserve. We know how to highlight each other's strengths. We know our flaws and we know how to hide them. 


Sure, we made mistakes. But we handle these in a positive manner. We are not the kind who tolerates a friend's misbehavior (was there any?!). Sometimes, we have contrasting opinions on things but it all boils down to one question: Are you happy? Because if you are, we are here to support you all the way. 


I know I've been missing out a lot. But I thank God for giving me friends who understands me, even though sometimes I make it hard for them to do so. I used to be reserved, but with them I got to laugh, tell jokes, got to know a different side of me. I used to be conservative and primitive, they made me liberated and bitchy (haha!).  They've seen and heard all the great and not-so great things about me, and they stood by me - the pregnancy rumors that everyone believed up until when I was actually pregnant and no one believed it anymore (LOL!).  I am happy that we've come this far. I like how our issues evolved from high school drama to the lessons we learned about life, love and all the other things in between. I like how we talk about the future now like real adults. And I like how we all grew up and matured - physically, emotionally, intellectually (and financially!) and still managed to stay in each other's lives. 

With you guys, I don't need to try so hard just to be 'in'. I know I don't tell you how much I treasure you but I am trying my best to make you all feel how much I appreciate having you guys in my life. Thank you for loving my babies and treating them as your own :) You are the only people besides my family that I trust my life with, and with life I mean 'Arkin and Raine'. I cannot thank you enough, and it feels good to know that whatever happens to me, I know that you love them and that you are and will always be there for them. I know this is getting too long and mushy, but this only happens once in a blue moon, so thank you for bearing with me.


Friendship isn't about being inseparable, but about being separated and knowing nothing will change.

My crazy, bitchy friends :)

Goodvibes!

xoxo